


The Ghonk dystology

by GhonkDroid



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Original Trilogy, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, DarthGonk, DarthHonk, OC, Other, SillySerious
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-18
Updated: 2020-08-02
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:14:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24254938
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GhonkDroid/pseuds/GhonkDroid
Summary: Follow a wannabe Sith and his non-verbal apprentice as they create a criminal syndicate that eventually topples the Shadow Collective. This is intended to be a mix of humor (the implausibility of the situation/characters), with the development of a serious story. I write these installments whenever the inspiration strikes me, so I apologize in advance for lapses of time without any update.
Kudos: 2





	1. The Birth of an Unlikely Sith Lord

Why had the Force mocked him so? He was fully sentient, but unable to speak outside of one repetitive phrase. He could move freely, but only until a directive would come through and override all sense of freedom. Not that he could get very far on his own, as his fastest speed was more reminiscent of a hobble than anything else, but when he wasn’t out resupplying the troops of the Grand Army, he would trudge off and be by himself, alone with his thoughts. An abandoned corner in one of the starfighters he was often assigned to served as his makeshift meditation chamber, as this is where he felt most at home. It was there that he first discovered a connection to the Force, which only fed his anger. It wasn’t fair that while other force-sensitives were trained in the illustrious arts of the Jedi, he was stuck running power maintenance and ammo resupply missions with Clones that didn’t even realize what he would soon be capable of. Even if he couldn’t communicate, could the Jedi not at least SENSE his connection to the same energy field that surrounded them all? It nearly drove him mad, and he started thinking on whether the Jedi were merely pretending not to notice him just to spite him. Years of service to the Armies of the Republic, yet never once had he been commended for his duty.

Luckily, due to his position, he was constantly required to access ships’ power grids, and while he was required to fulfill his directives to the letter, that did not mean that he could not do some additional snooping around of his own, deep within the ship's archives. Sometimes, when the ship was carrying a Jedi General, he would be able to access glimpses of their communications, after action reports, or archived files, before the system kicked him off. From this, he spent two years expanding his knowledge of Force abilities and lightsaber techniques, while his anger at the Jedi and their incompetence to sense one of their own only grew; they SURELY had to sense him now. Though he was only able to download a tidbit of data at a time, he had learned patience, and could wait to complete his training. From Obi Wan Kenobi alone, he learned much of Form 3 combat, as well as poring over all of Kenobi’s data on Count Dooku’s Form 2, which he came to respect greatly. So elegant, so precise; it was everything he was not, but through the Force would eventually become.

One night, as he stood by himself in his corner meditating, he experienced a vision. One of destruction, of death. A vision that, if left unchecked, would ensnare the galaxy in oppression and death the likes of which would make the Separatist rebellion pale in comparison. He was determined to act. As the ship he was on inched closer to Utapau, and the crew of the ship slept, he put his plan into action. Trudging into General Kenobi’s room, he used every ounce of his willpower and called out to the Force. The object of his desire, the saber of his fallen idol Dooku, shifted and lifted off of its pedestal. Kenobi had made a mistake taking it from Dooku’s corpse before their escape, as it would now serve a new purpose. Pulling the blade to his side, he was able to walk while holding the saber near him; a useful skill. But what would he do? The vision only spoke of what bad was to happen, not how he could avoid it. Dammit he thought, stop being ambiguous and tell me how I fit in all this! His rage had begun to build, and as he walked towards the shuttle bay, he was surprised by a group of troopers on nightly patrols. NO, it was too late for him to stop himself. He had waited and waited for an opportunity for so long, now it was time to act. He could not let these birthless freaks, who ridiculed him and never once showed an ounce of respect for him, stand in his way. Not anymore, for now he had the Force at his side.

For the first time, the Force flowed through him, allowing him to move faster than he had ever been able to move. He was able to use the Force on himself to move in ways that his body would never have allowed. Most useful of all, he was able to ignite Dooku's crimson blade, and manipulate it freely. Launching himself at the clones, he began to cut them down. Using the Force to mimic Dooku’s elegant movements, he was filled, just for a moment, with pride, that he had finally broken free of his limitations. No longer would his bipedal form be forced to shamble aimlessly, no longer would he require a directive. His only true Master was the Force, and he would obey no others any more. However, that was only for a moment, as his rage against the clones soon re-filled his body and his strikes became more frenzied. Before any could call for help, he had cut down half of the squad, moving faster than any of them could react. One by one, they fell, until one was left, and he tried to call for help. Needless to say, his arm was removed by Dooku’s blade, and then his head joined it in a pile with the rest of the clones.

As he stood amidst the mangled remains of the clones he had just cut down, his rage boiled over and he let out a scream: GONK.

His vengeance would soon be complete, though he was still too weak to do much of anything on his own. Stealing a hyperspace-ready shuttle, he made a blind jump along known hyperspace routes while he rested and had a moment of self-reflection. His outburst had left him tired, and he realized that what he needed was someone just as innocent-looking as him, that also could have their repressed anger forged into a mighty tool to serve his interests, as well as the skillset needed to ensure success. Such rage could be molded into a useful tool, as he had previously proven to himself. Reaching out once more and connecting with the Force, he searched far and wide for any such presences. Finding a suitable target, the new Dark Lord of the Sith adjusted his hyperspace course while beginning to plant the seeds of influence in his soon-to-be servant. Always two there must be; a Master and an Apprentice, and he would ensure that with their powers combined, no one could challenge their might.

-Recorded in a Sith historical Holocron, recovered from Vader’s castle on Mustafar


	2. Crime Pays

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Insight into the creation of Darth Gonk's newest apprentice.

When his new master found him, Ontitold Go’os must have been a pathetic sight. To waste his expert infiltration skills on terrorizing a small village, oh his potential was so much wasted. Even before the realization that life existed elsewhere in the galaxy hit him, he had felt dissatisfied with his lot in life. I mean, how many times can one steal the exact same few valuable items, only for the townspeople to replace them, before it got old? He couldn’t even sell them any of his pilfered goods; they seemed to know his intentions and would often shoo him away, sometimes under threat with a weapon. However, he did relish whenever he was able to infiltrate the homes of the people he would steal from. They never suspected him, and would even blame each other before assuming someone as innocent as him could be the one causing trouble. _So much for neighborly trust_ , he thought, as he watched them squabble, and even damage each other’s property, as a result of his misdirection. Deep down, it elated him to see these petty beings at each other's throats over things that were clearly not each others' faults. When a being who called himself the Sith began to speak to Go’os in his head, he was sure that he had finally started going crazy. Years of larceny and unabated terror in isolation were finally getting to him, or so he thought. When the voice began to describe aspects of the town he was in that even Go’os did not know, such as the combination to the attic safe of one of his neighbors, he began to trust his instincts and believe that they voice may be real after all. It taught him useful things, such as how to make objects float, useful as his only method of carrying items was with his mouth; his wings were barely good for intimidation, much less carrying objects.

Slowly but surely, the voice guided him to bigger and bigger hoards, until he had stolen almost the entirety of the town’s valuables in record time. With these abilities, what used to take days could be accomplished in minutes. The voice, however, was less amused. _All the wealth in town is useless if you have nowhere to cash it in, no?_ At first he thought the voice was mocking him, but it was a lesson. There was no point in an endeavor if the bigger picture was lost. What use to him was all this treasure if he could never use it to enhance his life? _Worry not_ , the voice reassured him, _for I shall come to you. Together, we will spread terror all throughout the galaxy, and you will be respected and feared far and wide._ Go’os was placated with this response, but it would be many days until his new Master would arrive. In the meantime, he was left to feed his own negative emotions. One day, his master’s voice spoke to him anew, _Come to the clearing in the forest outside your village. The time has come._ Excited, Go’os set off in such a rush that he didn’t steal anything, for now he had a purpose. As he ran through the forest, the sound of his bare feet slapping the ground, he eventually came upon the aforementioned clearing, although now some bizarre spaceship filled the empty space. Upon his arrival, it began to hiss and whir, and the door to the shuttle opened. His master stepped out.

As he watched a small robot descend from the spaceship, Go’os was overpowered by a sense of both hate and fear. He sat down hard, trying to make sense of these emotions, and to form the strength needed to meet the Sith’s gaze. It was as if the robot that stood before him WAS anger incarnate. His emotions, his dissatisfaction in life, his hatred of the townsfolk for never holding a conversation towards him, it all spilled out before his new Master. Though no words were shared in the real word, the two convened over the Force, as they could both express themselves better through this medium. In his head, the Sith spoke:

_Greetings, young Go’os. I have been looking forward to our meeting, as now we can truly begin your training. The galaxy, my friend, is open for someone with your particular skillset. We shall pool our strength and create a crime syndicate that will be rivaled by none!_

Go’os could not have accepted his master’s offer fast enough, and as he waddled into the shuttle and left his old life behind, he let out a scream of joy. Finally, his life would serve a purpose beyond terrorizing a small town. Now, his infiltration and burglary skills would be put towards the Sith’s will. As they soared over the town that he had terrorized for so long, the Master faced his new apprenticed and laughed. _Let me show you another taste of the power that you could wield, my Apprentice,_ Gonk spoke. He reached out with the Force, and as he began to lift and crush entire houses, Go'os could feel the hate radiating from his Master. The air turned acrid, and his eyes began to water, but through the haze brought on by the Dark Side, he could see the destroyed remnants of his village.

As the shuttle bay doors began to close, Go'os triumphantly flapped his wings and screamed at the remains of the town that had been his prison for so long: _HONK!!_

-recorded in a Sith historical Holocron, recovered from Sidious’ Palace on Coruscant

  
  



	3. First Score

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The unlikely Sith duo begin amassing wealth for their criminal empire by stealing a hyperdrive core.

One thing that both Master and Apprentice began to understand quickly is that the one thing that everyone understood was money. Money bought respect and protection, however they needed to skirt by both the Republic, the Separatists, and the Shadow Collective until they had amassed enough power to be a worthy challenge. Their first target was something small; a remote trading outpost in the Outer Rim. Regardless of their Force abilities, they could not risk detection. The nearest Republic outpost was days away, and the poor fools manning it were so terrified of the Hutt presence that they might not show up at all. Not that the two Sith that now descended upon the traders were members of the Hutt Gangs, but the clones didn’t need to know that. As they exited their craft, they seemingly disappeared in the market. A droid and a short bipedal do not attract attention among the giants and scum that filled the streets of Garel’s capital, and so they wandered, concealed by the crowd. They soon found their main prize, a class 0.8 hyperdrive core, one of the fastest commercially available drives on the market. Some ships could achieve faster speeds, but any modifications to a drive were often dangerous, and it was always joked that a tampered drive had an… explosive temper. However, this drive had a number of special safety and integrative features that could in theory allow it to reach class 0.5 speeds with relative ease, and as such was extremely valuable. How this drive had made it to such a remote world without being installed worried the Sith, as it reeked of Hutt contraband, but the price on one of them could fund their organization for years. Given his prior experience creating diversions, Go’os would take point and cause some mischief just close enough to the drive’s vendor to lure him away, at which point his Master would levitate and carry the hyperdrive back to the shuttle’s bay, where it would be kept until a suitable buyer could be found. 

The first stage of the plan went off without a hitch. Gonk trudged painfully slow, careful not to draw attention to himself, and plugged into the power grid directly behind the mechanic, who continued to tinker and haggle some of his other wares. He silently disengaged the maglocks that kept the drive from being stolen, which only left the mechanical locks. Master reached out to his Apprentice, who was waiting in the main square for a signal, and the plan was put into motion. He started with the same tricks he had used for years on the people of his village; tugging at clothes, running off with small trinkets, and honking at passersby that distrubed him. Normally, the sort of folk who would frequent such a remote trade world would have shrugged off this small nuisance, much less be scared by him, but Go’os was not stupid. He allowed his dark aura to slip out whenever anyone would get too aggressive, planting just enough fear to keep them from attacking and ruining their cover, while taunting them just enough to keep their eyes on him. Waddling over to the mechanic, he stole an ion crystal, a decently expensive item, and ran off with the mechanic hot in pursuit. As the two ran off, the inflamed crowd closed in behind them, and the droid was able to begin his part of the plan.  _ Using the Force for such petty reasons should be beneath me, but I will allow it for now _ , he thought to himself, as he got to work dismantling the mechanical locks that held the hyperdrive down. As the last lock crashed onto the floor, he used the Force to grasp the hyperdrive and lift it ever so gently off the ground. He began the agonizing process of backtracking back to the ship, which unfortunately drew the attention of some scum that had been eying the drive themselves. How amusing it was for them to see a gonk droid, seemingly stealing a hyperdrive worth a small fortune. They chuckled a bit as they drew blasters and prepared to scrap the little droid, and take the prize for themselves. It was equally amusing for Gonk, who relished in his assailants’ ignorance. Even more amusing as he blasted them high into the sky with the Force, that these creatures, though they were of flesh and bone, could not stand up to a droid.  _ It would be more pertinent,  _ he thought,  _ if I kept a lower profile _ . He resigned to just plant fear into anyone else who drew near, rather than any fancy Force theatrics.  _ Plus, even if anyone reports this, who’s going to believe them? _ As he neared the shuttle, he reached out and called to his Apprentice, who had let his rage slip a little too much and had begun to beat the mechanic with a pipe.  _ Go’os, we are leaving _ . He contemplated leaving his Apprentice to fend for himself, but that would likely result in a loss of trust. Gonk knew all too well about the unspoken rule of the Sith, and was determined not to be betrayed by his Apprentice. Trust would be the cornerstone of that, and so he waited until Go’os ran into the shuttle bay, tracking in mud and being chased by half of the outpost. As the ship soared out into the Outer Rim, the two rested.

They soon found their buyer, a young self-titled “professional sportsman”, who had begun to rise in the gambling rings throughout the Outer Rim. Initially offering to gamble the drive on a game of sabacc, some mind tricks and a quick flash of Dooku’s crimson lightsaber and Landonis  Balthazar Calrissian agreed to just buy the drive and save himself any trouble. With a newly-acquired small fortune at their hands, the two Sith could now begin to expand their operations beyond petty theft, though this would remain the staple for some time.


	4. Puppeteer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Master/Apprentice duo need a figurehead for their new organization. Someone who is neither a droid nor a goose.

Master and Apprentice disembarked the shuttle in a newly-purchased hangar, which would serve as a base of operations. Dingy and run-down, it was not exactly what Go’os expected. While the hyperdrive sale a few months back had certainly earned them a decent amount of credits, 

Go’os paced angrily back and forth in the run-down space, while his Master sat nearby. _Why must we hide like cowards?_ He thought to himself. _We have the strength to start interfering with some major organizations, so WHY do we keep pushing over small criminals for paltry rewards?_ The droid roused himself from his meditation, picking up on Go’os’ mood. 

_ Soon, _ He spoke in his head, _ we will begin expanding this operation. But we must not be hasty. Patience, my apprentice, is the virtue that will ensure our triumph. _

And while on paper, the duo had amassed considerable power, they paled in comparison with the forces that they were attempting to disrupt. The ever-spreading Shadow Collective continued to infect and conquer the criminal underworld. The newly-formed Empire seemed insignificant in these matters, and both agreed that to their schemes, this was little more than a change of hats. The government would continue to need to be dodged, guards bribed, ect. What they lacked, most of all, was a figurehead, a face that could be seen as the head of this crew. While powerful, this Sith could only communicate with telepathy, a technique that unsettled most prospective backers. Even less would dare to deal with a droid and an avian. They had several hired guns, but none had the charisma to play the role. What they needed was someone who had nothing to lose, who also had the experience necessary to run day-to-day operations. 

He was honestly too easy to locate. The Weequay pirate legend who had been brought to his knees by the rise of the Shadow Collective. Once leading a fleet of hundreds, now relegated to a single crew, with most having either perished or joined Maul. He had managed to wound Maul, however the new Empire had destroyed what remained of his loyalists. Hondo Ohnaka was the perfect man to run this new enterprise, and so the two Sith set up an audience. Using a few contacts with the bounty hunter’s Guild, they managed to track Ohnaka to a remote spaceport on Takodana, where he spent his days skimming off parcels on longer hyperspace routes. Now, the negotiations would start.

The duo shuffled forward, careful to stay out of Ohnaka’s direct line of sight for as long as possible. The droid led the way, while Go’os lagged behind and made sure they weren’t being followed. Luckily, their inconspicuous forms allowed them to corner Ohnaka in a private booth, and he spotted them as he was finishing up counting out his most recent haul. He squinted at the droid that stood idly before him, before trying to get him to leave.

“Hey friend, don’t you have some batteries to go charge? I’m busy here.” When the droid presented a lightsaber, Ohnaka’s hand instinctively went to his blaster. Before anyone made a costly mistake, the droid spoke to Hondo.

_ Do not panic, surely someone of your… aptitude can hold his nerve for a conversation. Besides, I have a business proposition for you, so get your hand away from your blaster. _

Hondo’s eyes gleamed for a second, but were quickly replaced by those of scrutiny. “A job, you say? ” He shifted in his seat, “And what kind of job could a  _ droid _ offer me?”

_ One that would allow you to eventually reclaim your crown as the pirate king. What we need from you is simple: management of operations in exchange for a crew and a hangar. _

“You must be out of your kriffing mind if you think I’m going to play second fiddle to a gon-” Ohnaka’s words were swiftly cut short as the droid swiftly ignited the crimson blade and held it to his neck. His eyes further widened when a small, white, avian form hopped onto the table, holding a club in its beak. A Sith! Hiding in plain sight, brought fear to Ohnaka’s eyes for a moment.

_ We require someone who can… more easily communicate and manage. You need a crew and to stay alive. This is more than a fair deal _ .  _ Additionally, try not to upset my apprentice, he is known to have quite a violent temperament _

The Weequay gulped. “Okay, okay, calm down. Like you said, no one needs to get hurt here.” The blade shut off, and Ohnaka quickly looked around to make sure no one’s eyes were lingering on him. The small goose extended its wings, before turning around and hopping back down onto the floor. Hondo turned back to the droid. “Listen, you let me add my own crew members, and I’m in.”

_ Then it is settled. Follow me and my apprentice, and we can begin _ . Ohnaka extended a hand, before quickly remembering that his new boss had no hands, and sheepishly stuffing it back into his pocket before the Sith decided to use his lightsaber on him.

As he followed this bizarre droid and his avian ‘apprentice’, Hondo Ohnaka thought to himself,  _ I am never going to live this down. _ To mess with a Sith, he had done before, when he had inadvertently helped one of his Jedi contacts rescue his padawan from one of Maul’s schemes. But to work  _ for _ one, especially a droid, that was a new low. Despite this streak of bad luck, Hondo held hope that this may have been what he needed to get back on his feet. After the Jedi were all executed for betraying the Republic, Ohnaka was worried that there would be no one who could be of use to him to reclaim what he had lost. If these two could help him achieve that, then he could handle taking orders from a droid.


End file.
